So, how do I actually feel ?

I reckon a lot of guys will resonate with this.

You keep going for years, not quite realising that you are slowly getting weaker and weaker . Yes, you tell yourself – getting fit will happen in the future when  . . .

When what exactly ?

  • When you have a life threatening life event ?
  • When you find the right partner ?
  • When you have more time to yourself ?
  • When this particular work project / period / bullshit is over ?

Well I have gone through so many false ‘when starts’ that I have realised this one thing – that . . . . . .WHEN NEVER COMES.

As Tony Robbins would say, you do need to find the ‘leverage’ from somewhere in order to make a change. In that remaining the way that you currently are is going to be much less painful than making a positive change.

And remaining the way I am is really not the best way I could be feeling. Lets face it, its either feeling good or bad. We can feel neutral, but its gonna be good neutral or bad neutral. And being a middle aged man it is so easy to think that I have had my crack at life and that I perhaps should ride off into my prematurely aged sunset.

So – what’s up with the symptoms ?

Well here’s my pathetic list of whinges: Get out your violins guys:

  • I feel invisible. Even less than 10 years ago, perhaps even 5 years ago, I felt noticed. I felt confident as a result. I always noticed women having a sneaky gander at me. Yes, when the stomach wasn’t so big, they’d look me up and down and seem to have their gaze rest fleetingly on where my bloody disgusting gut now lives.  I walked differently. I had a swagger. I didn’t have half of the aches pains that I now have. So its fair to say I felt connected with those around me. Deep down I am not really accepting of the fact that my body has changed: yes we ‘think’ that we want to feel younger; but I suspect that what we actually want is to feel fitter.
  • Aches in the Achilles – Both. Stiff legs all day long. In the morning, at work, when getting up from my desk, after driving  . . . . . a constant reminder that the old legs are not what they used to be. Even shooting position while writing this – its bloody painful. I didn’t realise that many of these aches become so ingrained that they unconsciously are wired into how my brain sends messages – or not.
  • Tennis Elbow Symptoms on each side (perhaps related to poor muscle mass and week grip strength – perhaps more of that later)
  • Poor sleeping. Not helped by my  caffeine addiction – ore of that later.
  • Weaknesses in standing up from a seated position – I have an extensor weakness, perhaps made worse by my weight of roughly 108 kgs. But I can see myself moving so slowly. This wasn’t me just a few years ago !
  • People always commented that I looked younger than my age. Much younger. Indeed, in 2006 at the age  of 42 someone thought I was 26. Not bad going ! But not now, when I could do with them. But I have not had these compliments for a good 5 years. Yes, I did have a “very stressful time at work” and I’m sure that those continued stresses shortened my telomeres and I began to not repair my cellular tissues quite as well as I did in the past – even 3-4 years ago I was very aware of this. But it was impossible with the way I had to work at that time to actually help myself – I had to keep going to keep a roof over the family’s heads.
  • The old back and core stability. Yes – one of the weakest parts  of my already weak musculature as highlighted by the Skulpt device
  • And, until recently, I had a horrid caffeine addiction. I was filling up each day with a medium size can of Red Bull, a Berrocca Guarana, and perhaps a Pepsi Max in the early afternoon. I had been doing this for years. Owing the nature of the day job and the intense concentration required in front of a very demanding public I was hitting very strong Americano coffees mid morning just to be able to do my job. Not only did all of this make me very jittery, cranky, and liable to be easily irritated, I would lie awake at night feeling the palpitations and finally getting off to a dreadfully poor sleep. Working in the NHS as an acute doctor  was certainly not good for my health. Night after night of sleep disruption, fuelled my a self inflicted sleep disruption which was a result of drinking too much caffeine in order to just keep going. What a vicious circle. Geez . . . . . I wasn’t being paid enough to mess my health up to that degree ! Thankfully, I did manage to knock the caffeine addiction on the head about 6 weeks ago,
  • Just Old. Don’t have the energy to play with my young boys. The aches in my legs remind me, before I want to do anything involving movement, that my body’s inflammatory response from my obesity-related Syndrome X is winning the battle to keep me a sloth.

So there we have it. Yes there are more  gripes and moans, but that’s enough for this particular blog posting. I do hope, Dear Blog Reader, that you now have a picture of where I’m coming from and hopefully where I’m going.